5 Signs of Spiritual Abuse

Today, I want to share five warning signs that could indicate you're in a spiritually abusive relationship. But before we dive in, I want to give you a little context about my own journey and why this topic is so close to my heart.

My Why: Cultivating a Thriving Community

My vision is to cultivate a thriving community where worshipers are raised in character, competence, and cognitive health. I believe in empowering local churches, colleges, and communities to flourish. This mission is rooted in my own experiences in ministry, and I've seen firsthand how spiritual abuse can hinder people from reaching their full potential in Christ.

A Glimpse into My Journey

I felt called to music ministry early on, serving in various churches like Rosedale and New City. Each had its own unique dynamics, with strong personalities and distinct styles. But I also faced challenges—feelings of insecurity, the loss of a pastor's wife, and moments where I felt caught in the middle of conflicting church cultures. There were times when I had to fill gaps and navigate my own faults, often apologizing and learning along the way.

It was in these complex environments that I began to recognize patterns of spiritual abuse. Here are five key signs to watch out for:

1. Spiritualization: Scripture Above Jesus

One of the most subtle yet dangerous forms of spiritual abuse is when scripture is used manipulatively, placing rules and doctrines above the heart of Jesus. You might hear phrases like, “God might be calling you away” or “We are sending you out,” as a way to sideline or dismiss someone without acknowledging their feelings or the real issues at hand.

2. Gaslighting: Manipulating Reality

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation that makes you question your own feelings, instincts, and even sanity. It’s a dirty tactic used by those who want to maintain control. In a church setting, this might look like leaders dismissing your concerns, questioning your memory of events, or labeling your thoughts as crazy. When this happens, you start to believe that you are the problem.

3. Minimization: Dismissing Your Feelings

Another red flag is when your feelings are constantly downplayed. You might be told, “You shouldn’t be led by your feelings,” making it seem like your emotions are invalid or unspiritual. This approach ignores the healthy balance between faith and emotional intelligence, causing you to doubt your own experiences.

4. Never Admitting Wrong: The Blame is Always on You

In spiritually abusive environments, leaders often refuse to admit when they are wrong. Instead, they shift the blame onto others, subtly pushing you to constantly “work on yourself” while they avoid accountability. This can create a culture where personal growth is always demanded of you but never of those in leadership.

5. Avoidance: Feeling Pushed Out

Lastly, there’s avoidance—leaders who avoid addressing real issues or engaging in healthy confrontation. This often leaves you feeling pushed out, alienated, and questioning your place in the community. When leaders avoid tough conversations, it can create a toxic culture where problems are swept under the rug, leaving you to carry the emotional burden alone.

Moving Forward: Reclaiming Your Faith

If any of these signs resonate with you, know that you are not alone. Spiritual abuse is real, but it doesn’t have to define your relationship with God. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to reclaiming your peace and rebuilding your faith on a firm foundation. Don’t be afraid to seek help, whether that’s through coaching, counseling, or finding a healthier church community.

Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Have you ever encountered spiritual abuse in the church? How did you navigate it? Let’s create a safe space to talk about these difficult but important issues. Be sure to like, subscribe, and join our community for more empowering content.